Breastfeeding changed my life

I gave birth to my son Tom in June 2005. The plan was I would be the perfect mother, of course. Not many of us plan otherwise, I suppose. I had even given consideration to a homebirth but co-workers had scared me off that. The usual “what if something happened to the baby during labour” were enough to dissuade me. Who wants to put a newborn at risk?

The baby’s room was perfect, my bag was packed and repacked and I was determined I would breastfeed. I didn’t do much research on it; instead I presumed it would be the most natural thing in the world. And it was for 3 days in hospital as I fed my son more or less nonstop. On the fourth day, I was told he was badly jaundiced and would have to be placed in a bili tent to take the toxins out of his body. I was traumatised and was convinced it was my fault due to my milk being inadequate to nourish him. (How I laugh now at the idea!) After a very painful attempt at expressing, and crying all day, I decided then to give up breastfeeding for both our sakes. He went on to be fed on cow’s and goat’s formula, the effects of which I suspect he is still suffering from.

I was really turned off breastfeeding after this and suffered from post-natal depression which was just horrible. I was convinced that anyone who breastfed was a fool and should have been able to see the convenience of formula as a blessing to release mothers from this obligation of feeding their babies.

I hadn’t really thought much about it until we decided to try for another baby when Tom was 13 months old and we succeeded in that plan straight away. As soon as I knew Emily was on the way, I knew I would feed her myself if it was the last thing I did. I didn’t share my feelings with anyone though. I don’t know how this came about but I was clearly in denial from the time Tom was a baby until then. I knew I had this opportunity to set things right, more so for me than for the baby I suspect. I had a point to prove to myself and to others. It could have been a disaster, a mother being so gung ho on breastfeeding could have led to so many problems but as soon as Emily arrived, it was just so right. She fed well and constantly. I was a bit obsessed in the hospital about whether she was jaundiced or not and asked every nurse that entered the room to check her! I surely didn’t want the same thing to happen again.

As soon as we got home, and I realised how exhausted I was, I knew that co-sleeping was the only way I would survive. Emily never slept in a cot in this house. The first night I attempted to put her in the cot, but she was having none of it and why should she. A baby lives in utter contentment in the womb for close to 10 months and is then expected to be away from all it knows. I don’t think that makes sense, does it? I couldn’t hold myself up in bed to feed her so resorted to lying down to feed, as the nurses showed me, and after the first feed, I fell asleep, only to realise this of course 3 hours later. What a shock! Was she still breathing? Of course she was. I spent about 3 seconds worrying about this as it felt so right and she was so at ease and our life together went on from there.

The first few weeks of breastfeeding had their hiccups. Emily was a very unsettled baby and I soon realised it was due to my very strong milk let down. She was almost choking during a feed and filling up with air which left her uncomfortable. After some amazing help from my local La Leche leader, I soon was on track and our relationship blossomed and I felt I found what I didn’t know I was looking for! This was me. This was what I was meant to do, nourish my child, make her feel secure by being with me all the time and just sit back and enjoy. A nursing session ensures that you have to stop and relax and just be. Prolactin release ensures an enjoyable experience for both parties. Nothing can describe the feeling, looking down at your infant in your arms, the sounds they make, their smell, the knowledge that there was nothing else in this life that they needed except this moment. I know it sounds so sad and corny but that is the reality. To be truthful though, I had many tough moments where I felt I needed some time to be on my own but it wasn’t to be most of the time. I can reflect on it now with satisfaction that it was what she needed but there were times when it was hell. I know my folks felt for me, that I was being suffocated but I knew it had to be that way. When you are on the inside of that kind of experience, you know the truth of it. Each moment since, I have enjoyed, despite many stressful moments raising two small children who need Mammy at the same time, all the time it seems! I even got to nurse my son in his 3rd year. He expressed an interest and suckled happily for minutes and wandered off again. This helped me close a chapter that was very raw for me. And it helped him to feel included in it all.

I have a very intense young woman as my daughter. I have been told by some people whose opinions I respect that she is remarkable but I already knew this. She will feed all day and all night if it were possible and sometimes does! As a small baby, she needed it desperately. As the months passed, she became more independent on her own terms and is gradually doing her own thing. But nothing compares to Mammy’s milk and Mammy’s cuddles. She is 2 years old in 4 weeks time. How time has flown! She is an awful sleeper and we wake often together. I have never been aware of her waking and needing to wake me. As it is in such cases, we are in tune with each other and wake together. Sleep comes very soon afterwards and I have come to accept this as the way it is and this has been a release, and I feel more relaxed about the whole thing.

I know with absolute certainly that she is going to be the best she can be and it will be because of her limitless breastfeeding experience. It moulds her into a confident, assured little woman, although there are many days where she is hidden deep down under a world of “Nos” as is the right of a 2 year old.

This experience has left me with a different set of beliefs and expectations about life and I know I am a better mother for it. I try to be more understanding and be inside my children’s heads when I can. Not an easy place to be. I realise now that it is all about meeting their needs as best as I can even when it seems impossible that I would have the energy. I hope to expand on this change in my parenting beliefs in a future blog.