Knitting and creating

I've been obsessed with knitting and creating in general lately. I've practically got pains in my hands from knitting so much. The kids are reaping the benefits as I've knitting a pirate for Tom and am just finishing a topsy turnabout doll, patterns by Jean Greenhowe for Emily. www.jeangreenhowe.com. I will try to upload pics. She has loads of cool patterns for a variety of dolls. I'm going to take on some of her Christmas dolls next.

Everyone is getting a knitted or sewed Xmas gift this year. Even though pricewise it won't work out too much cheaper it means I can avoid the crazy Xmas shopping. I have also made cloaks for Tom and Emily, just basic but they look realy cool.

I have come across a lady called Adriana Guerra on facebook who makes the most amazing dolls, pregnant dolls, birthing dolls and breastfeeding dolls. http://mamamor.blogspot.com. They are so worth checking out, so different and funky. I will save up for Emily to have one but it may take a while! As someone who creates albeit on a much more simple and basic level, I can really appreciate her talent and drive. It's great when you can do something you love and still earn a living.

I made jewellery for a while part-time before Tom was born but it's so expensive to get the stock in and I could never bring myself to charge the proper price to reflect the cost of the stock and labour. I just wanted people to have my pieces. I also made bags as well which I loved. There's just no time really to concentrate on something like that at the moment as I'm too busy in the home enjoying my kids but hopefully at some point in the future, if I do return to the working world, it will be doing something creative.

Breastfeeding changed my life

I gave birth to my son Tom in June 2005. The plan was I would be the perfect mother, of course. Not many of us plan otherwise, I suppose. I had even given consideration to a homebirth but co-workers had scared me off that. The usual “what if something happened to the baby during labour” were enough to dissuade me. Who wants to put a newborn at risk?

The baby’s room was perfect, my bag was packed and repacked and I was determined I would breastfeed. I didn’t do much research on it; instead I presumed it would be the most natural thing in the world. And it was for 3 days in hospital as I fed my son more or less nonstop. On the fourth day, I was told he was badly jaundiced and would have to be placed in a bili tent to take the toxins out of his body. I was traumatised and was convinced it was my fault due to my milk being inadequate to nourish him. (How I laugh now at the idea!) After a very painful attempt at expressing, and crying all day, I decided then to give up breastfeeding for both our sakes. He went on to be fed on cow’s and goat’s formula, the effects of which I suspect he is still suffering from.

I was really turned off breastfeeding after this and suffered from post-natal depression which was just horrible. I was convinced that anyone who breastfed was a fool and should have been able to see the convenience of formula as a blessing to release mothers from this obligation of feeding their babies.

I hadn’t really thought much about it until we decided to try for another baby when Tom was 13 months old and we succeeded in that plan straight away. As soon as I knew Emily was on the way, I knew I would feed her myself if it was the last thing I did. I didn’t share my feelings with anyone though. I don’t know how this came about but I was clearly in denial from the time Tom was a baby until then. I knew I had this opportunity to set things right, more so for me than for the baby I suspect. I had a point to prove to myself and to others. It could have been a disaster, a mother being so gung ho on breastfeeding could have led to so many problems but as soon as Emily arrived, it was just so right. She fed well and constantly. I was a bit obsessed in the hospital about whether she was jaundiced or not and asked every nurse that entered the room to check her! I surely didn’t want the same thing to happen again.

As soon as we got home, and I realised how exhausted I was, I knew that co-sleeping was the only way I would survive. Emily never slept in a cot in this house. The first night I attempted to put her in the cot, but she was having none of it and why should she. A baby lives in utter contentment in the womb for close to 10 months and is then expected to be away from all it knows. I don’t think that makes sense, does it? I couldn’t hold myself up in bed to feed her so resorted to lying down to feed, as the nurses showed me, and after the first feed, I fell asleep, only to realise this of course 3 hours later. What a shock! Was she still breathing? Of course she was. I spent about 3 seconds worrying about this as it felt so right and she was so at ease and our life together went on from there.

The first few weeks of breastfeeding had their hiccups. Emily was a very unsettled baby and I soon realised it was due to my very strong milk let down. She was almost choking during a feed and filling up with air which left her uncomfortable. After some amazing help from my local La Leche leader, I soon was on track and our relationship blossomed and I felt I found what I didn’t know I was looking for! This was me. This was what I was meant to do, nourish my child, make her feel secure by being with me all the time and just sit back and enjoy. A nursing session ensures that you have to stop and relax and just be. Prolactin release ensures an enjoyable experience for both parties. Nothing can describe the feeling, looking down at your infant in your arms, the sounds they make, their smell, the knowledge that there was nothing else in this life that they needed except this moment. I know it sounds so sad and corny but that is the reality. To be truthful though, I had many tough moments where I felt I needed some time to be on my own but it wasn’t to be most of the time. I can reflect on it now with satisfaction that it was what she needed but there were times when it was hell. I know my folks felt for me, that I was being suffocated but I knew it had to be that way. When you are on the inside of that kind of experience, you know the truth of it. Each moment since, I have enjoyed, despite many stressful moments raising two small children who need Mammy at the same time, all the time it seems! I even got to nurse my son in his 3rd year. He expressed an interest and suckled happily for minutes and wandered off again. This helped me close a chapter that was very raw for me. And it helped him to feel included in it all.

I have a very intense young woman as my daughter. I have been told by some people whose opinions I respect that she is remarkable but I already knew this. She will feed all day and all night if it were possible and sometimes does! As a small baby, she needed it desperately. As the months passed, she became more independent on her own terms and is gradually doing her own thing. But nothing compares to Mammy’s milk and Mammy’s cuddles. She is 2 years old in 4 weeks time. How time has flown! She is an awful sleeper and we wake often together. I have never been aware of her waking and needing to wake me. As it is in such cases, we are in tune with each other and wake together. Sleep comes very soon afterwards and I have come to accept this as the way it is and this has been a release, and I feel more relaxed about the whole thing.

I know with absolute certainly that she is going to be the best she can be and it will be because of her limitless breastfeeding experience. It moulds her into a confident, assured little woman, although there are many days where she is hidden deep down under a world of “Nos” as is the right of a 2 year old.

This experience has left me with a different set of beliefs and expectations about life and I know I am a better mother for it. I try to be more understanding and be inside my children’s heads when I can. Not an easy place to be. I realise now that it is all about meeting their needs as best as I can even when it seems impossible that I would have the energy. I hope to expand on this change in my parenting beliefs in a future blog.

A bit about me

I wrote this on my Facebook in response to a friend who sent me 25 things I might not know about her so these are 25 things you might not know about me. I would love to squeeze in a number 26 which would be that I think that i am terribly funny. Points 1 to 25 will clarify.

1. I love my children more than life itself. Their smell, their touch, their laugh, everything, even the bad things. I love being a full time Mammy to them. Best decision I’ve made in years.

2. I used to be a PA for 10 years and worked for some strange people. I have realised every one of those years was a waste of my life and am overjoyed to have realised this before I die. I think life is too short for working in a job you hate and you should strive to do something you love, even if it pays less.

3. I love to cook and bake, but I am probably a better baker, my sweet tooth helping me to hone my skill in this area.

4. I am passionate about breastfeeding. I failed to successfully breastfeed my son due to lack of information and selfishness, but am still feeding my 22 month old daughter and love it, as does she. I have no doubt that it’s the best thing you can do for your child, ever. Just surrendering yourself to their needs, throwing away the clock, just being with them and living in the moment. I have no problem in feeding in public and tough to anyone who has a problem with it.

5. I love being naked and will use any excuse to get my kit off, to my husband’s dismay (yes, dismay!) when I walk around the house and the neighbours who live nowhere near us might see me.

6. I met my husband while “going out” with his best friend. We were friends for a year before we got together when his friend had long since broken my heart. That was 14 years ago, doesn’t time fly!

7. I used to make jewellery part-time before I had a life, and still do from time to time when I get the chance. Love to sew, knit and do anything crafty. I used to spend hours when I was little doing the make and do that Mary Fitzgerald showed on telly. My most memorable thing I made was in 5th class when I made a huge castle from cardboard which I painted. It has turrets and outside walls and everything!! It clearly offended the school caretaker, as he burned it which I am still in therapy over.

8. I loved school, everything about it, well except the early morning assemblies in primary school where we were interrogated by Sister Carmel over mass which we never went to. Talk about sweats!!

9. Despite the fact that I loved school, we have chosen to home educate our kids. What an adventure we have in store!

10. A big peeve of mine is lack of effort in spelling and grammar. I am not perfect but do make an effort which many people don’t. Some of my “favourites” are “I hope your feeling better” and “there going to meet us their”. I presume you’ll know where the mistakes are. Get a grip people! And while I’m on the subject, those people who make signs should get the finger out and buy a dictionary. Don’t start me! Of course, I have probably made a mistake in this. I hope to learn more about English and its composition during the course of my kids education.

11. My daughter sleeps with me and has done ever since she was 3 days old. It happened originally out of exhaustion but has developed into something special. I love it as does she. There is nothing like getting into bed beside a warm snugly child. I would advise anyone to let go of their hang ups and search for their instincts. They won’t let you down.

12. I had post natal depression after my son was born. It was like nothing I had felt or thought I could feel. I had been a completely organised person who had every eventuality planned for, except this one. I thought of how to kill my husband, son and I as I couldn’t imagine going on. Hard to imagine now but that’s the truth of it. Got over it quickly and never looked back.

13. There is nothing worse than Negativity. I try to be as positive as I can but don’t always succeed. I see nothing good to come out of being negative so what’s the point?

14.I value my friendships and don’t have many for that reason. Some of the best people I have met have been through La Leche League, friends for life.

15. My best friend is my sister. She is 2 years older than me and our birthdays are 4 days apart and for 4 days I am only 1 years younger than her, which I always loved when I was a kid. We get on well most of the time. She used to help me get to sleep when I was a scared little kid and when I was a hungover student, she made me the best sandwich I ever tasted while I was lying in my sick bed. We talk about the most stupid things, like telly from our youth and music that other people just wouldn’t relate to. My husband says she should move in because we text each other so much about telly in the evening.

16. I hate cabbage, celery, milk and coffee.

17. I have 4 cats. The Mammy, and her kids, Beaker and Wickie have been with us for 10 years. Felix is a newcomer who we adopted as a kitten when she turned up and is a bit odd. She sleeps in frost and snow and wet grass. We once buried someone else’s cat when we found it outside our garage. It was dead, by the way. Two weeks later, our cat showed up, much to our shock and delight. He was a black cat so it’s quite easy to mistake one dead black cat for another, I’m sure.

18. My father is who I admire most. He got his first pc 10 years ago when he was 50 and has taught himself everything he knows. He has put together his own websites from scratch about things that he believes strongly in, like corrupt government. He also has the dirtiest mind of anyone I know. He is also useless with money, which exasperates me.

19. I am my father’s favourite daughter (sibling joke).

20. I have no brothers and secretly hoped that my now 17 year old sister would be a boy. Ah well.

21. I love taking photos, especially of the countryside and my children. Always looking for that perfect shot.

22. I was afraid of being on my own till I was well into my teens. Always afraid of the bogeyman, ghosts or anything really. I must have had a very active imagination.

23. I love to sing and dance to music. My kids think I’m mad, I suspect. Music should be played loudly, especially rock n roll and opera. We have spent some happy times dancing around the house to music. I don’t always have a good memory for the words of songs so I make them up as I go along.

24. I love to go to concerts but don’t go much anymore. My favourite was Fleetwood Mac in the Point about 5 years ago. They really put their heart and soul into it. Close second would be the 3 Metallica concerts and then the Bee Gees.

25. I love movies. I really love something with a story that is probably slow moving and would bore some people. Some favourites are Alfred Hitchcock and Woody Allen and I love a good love story like Dangerous Liaisons and Croughing Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

An Exciting Journey

After much thought and measurement of the length of my fingers, I have finally gotten around to putting together a blog. My father has been encouraging me for a while to do this so here goes.

The whole point of this is to set out what I hope to achieve from my life, how I plan on going about it and the progress or otherwise of it. A lot of things have dawned on me over the last few years since having children and I feel now in a place where I want to be. I have very specific ideas of how I want things to develop and I’m really excited about the future.

I hope to try and be more in tune with nature and my natural self. I am home educating my children because I feel it is what they deserve. It is very exciting and not one bit daunting. If anything, I get so energised at the prospect of encountering different stages I think my head will explode.

I hope to think through things in this blog and get satisfaction from the things I hope I will achieve. I hope I will get some comments and opinions too!!